TODAY I CRIED FOR TRYING TOO HARD

Today I cried for all the times I tried to make things work, but couldn’t.

For all the times I pushed and prayed and wanted with all my might.

For all the times I waited for a miracle to happen and waited some more.

I tried to make things stick. No matter what.

Even if I knew deep down they couldn’t.

 

Today I cried for all the times I silenced that part of myself that ‘knew’.

But I didn’t yet have the heart to listen.

So I silenced myself some more.

I ignored, I pretended and I lied to myself so much, that it finally hurt.

 

I thought that if I tried hard enough,

If I changed myself enough,

If I forgave and loved myself, another some more,

It would all work out in the end.

So I cried for all the times that it didn’t.

 

The more I worked on myself,

The less I was able to deceive me.

The less I was able to ignore my own voice.

The more it became about me.

The adult me.

 

I realized the universe would respect my determination,

But to stick ‘it’, it would not.

It could not.

For it was not how it was meant to be.

You cannot force a union, unless you like to pretend.

You cannot force creation unless your god is of an Ego kind.

The fruits of this, I fear now to even think of.

 

And so the mirror withered,

It’s reflection faded, worn out.

Its  task complete.

Acceptance arrived.

Grateful I now remained.

I bow to the wisdom I gained.

 

I see now it could not have been any other way.

Perhaps I could have let go sooner.

Loved myself more. Been braver in my ears.

But today I come to honor that effort,

The trying, the persevering.

The almighty little goddess that thought she could.

 

To say that it was in vain,

Would be awfully cruel to myself, to her.

I cradle her tight, praise her for her efforts

and ask her to remain open to all possibility.

Today I honour her, so that we may move forward.

 

Accepting what the universe is calling for so completely,

That all else, effortlessly falls away.

 

As I heal, recalibrate and restore,

she becomes She.