The Shape of my Water

“Unable to perceive the shape of you

I find you all around me,

Your presence fills my eyes with your love

It humbles my heart,

For you are everywhere.”

The Shape of Water

 

These past weeks have been difficult to navigate. They have been beyond the usual pulls and tides.

I have felt the air thick with resistance, the fear side has been fighting with all its might, the veils thin of whose truth prevails.

Staying out of drama while duality meets me at every turn feels like some kind of perseverance test against my own self.

Emotions have been like a never ending double loop roller coaster ride. My body heavy with tiredness and even paralysis brought on by insecurity and fear.

Heavy unanswered questions arise, again and again, each time with more fervor and might it seems.

Out of the blue an ecstatic phone call and again I rise. From these moments way up high I feel at one again riding the back of one giant wave, in love but alone.

The deeper I dive the lonelier it gets. Down here sometimes I forget the question I was seeking an answer for in the first place.

I witness how the pattern of pain and disappointment will repeat itself looking for a way to justify itself.

I am aware of so many parts of me waiting for their turn to play themselves out, looking for some peace and harmony within. I see how the inner child became the manipulator. I see the victim and I see the victor in me too.

I look for new ways to communicate, to be intimate, to take part. And yet I remain on the outside looking in. Am I in the wrong place? Where is my tribe? Where is love most present?

What am I really looking for? Recognition, wealth, success? Where is my joy, where is my silence?

I think too much and my body doesn’t seem to respond. My emotions play hard on me while witnessing so many others passing by at full speed or not at all.

I try numbing myself a while like I used to. This makes me even sadder. Where is my village, where is my tribe?

Have I just frozen unabe to take the next step? Am I looking for something that doesn’t exist? Do I even know what that is anymore?

Every time I look outside of me for answers I reach a dead end.

I see false ideals, destruction and lies. Sex that doesn’t matter, hugs that don’t mean much, kisses made by Judas to help you rise.

Stop, wait, go, no, come back. Maybe…

I listen to the planets and the stars and they say it’s all justified.

I’ve even been wondering if there is some glitch in the matrix.

Simplify, simplify, simplify I’ve been telling myself until I have no desire for much.

And yet my heart aches, my love waits, my tears turn dry.

And in this dying ego’s moment I ask that I deliver myself the peace of certainty within.

I am defining the borders of my own lining, my own unlimitless truth, my sense of self as defined by me and me alone.

I am the border, I am my creator in what it is that I choose.

I am love, I am loved and I am loving just gotta get back onto that wave again.

I know I’m ok just learning to navigate this new dimension with all its challenges, dips and dives.

I’m learning to give shape to my water.

No need for fireworks and candle light.

They serve only as entertainment I’ve savored many times before.

Today tradition is a distraction from time well spent in joy.

This night I seek for my own resurrection.

Wishing that we all rise, that we make it through.

Where truth and love remain.

Happy Easter.