Have you ever felt a soulful yearning deep in your heart that somehow fails to be met? Or, on the contrary, you do your utmost not to feel it?
An innate desire for connection that is often sought through relationships, physical pursuits or consumption of food and substances?
Did you at some point feel that life failed to provide you with the unconditional love you thought you were due?
And as a result did you feel that you were born alone into this world, painstakingly having to find your way onto your own two feet?
This was the case of at least one person I know.
Perpetual unhappiness in the early years of my life propelled me to seek for answers beyond what was immediately apparent.
And, because I don’t believe I am any different to many other human beings in this, I began to observe others in their unhappiness and how it bred from a deep seeded need for connection.
I observed babies and young children and their dependence on their mother, a relationship where mother is ‘God’ as an infinite source of love, food, comfort and protection.
Yes, often unhappiness comes from our perceived relationship to our mothers and fathers.
But as I searched deeper into our pre-birth memories, a different picture began to emerge.
That unhappiness or even fear was already there at birth.
Our pre-birth journey is crucial in that it determines the rest of our life cycle.
How happy, content, loving and connected was our mother during her pregnancy? What consciously or not was her relationship like to her husband, our father? What ancestral baggage did I inherit and what karmic suitcase did I choose to bring with me?
All these are very valid questions when diving deeper to release our psychosomatic residue.
The crucial moment for me on this inner excavation journey, came during one of my own pre-birth sessions.
Remembering the jolt of incarnating into my body was so physically heavy and real, that I began to reassess the perception I had of my life so far.
I realised that my anger, for example, pre-existed my parents. I was angry at God!
I was angry at myself for incarnating. What the hell was I thinking in coming into this body anyway?
“I changed my mind! I wanna go back home” were the kind of thoughts I was having.
“Why did He let me fall?” As I began to process this information I recognised that this too was a projection.
Within me lay the illusion that I had been separated from being One with all that is.
I felt how before my physical incarnation I had been pure, unconditional, undivided love.
Slowly I began to take responsibility for my actions and to deeply, whole heartedly accept that I chose to be here. I chose my body, my plan and the players in it.
I felt like I had been turned inside out.
I ceased to be angry at my parents, my family, my friends. I felt I had been born again, this time into an adult claiming responsibility for my own happiness.
I no longer felt like a child searching needingly on the outside for love.
My brain still remains wired in separation. I still function on separation mode.
But I work daily on unifying myself.
On living a reality where I whole heartedly believe and function as if I never stopped being pure, unconditional, undivided love.
And I dream of the day when newborns will arrive with no illusion of separation whatsoever.