Embracing the darkness of my fears,
on this Sun in Scorpio New Moon cycle,
I face the magnitude of my shame and
the intensity of my anger and disgust
of being in a woman’s body.
“Strong words, strong times.
Take it or leave it!”
I recognize how this has been created by the woman in me,
who has abandoned herself over and over again.
The one who abandoned her emotions, her desires, her beauty and her power.
Not because she wanted to be a man,
but because she was unable to claim her own feminine shadow and so
there was no end to her self loathing.
In a moment where I allowed the resistance of my ego to subside,
whence I found the strength and courage for the illusion of
my self-taught rhetoric to abide and my fear of self preservation to die,
through the grace of another, I saw the depth of this bottomless pit.
So many of us live with a sense of ABANDONMENT.
Abandoned by our mothers.
Abandoned by a lover, a father, a friend.
Abandoned by god, by life itself.
Abandonment breeds fear, anger and despise.
And yet how many of us can look in the mirror and say that we truly love ourselves?
I still hear ‘I am fat’, ‘I am ugly’, ‘I am not enough’.
No matter how big or small, how often or how sparse, how conscious or unconscious, these thoughts ARE:
-Is this not I abandoning myself?
-How can I feel guilt, shame, fear, disgust about ANY part of myself and say that I truly love me?
-Why am I still holding back in revealing ALL of who I am?
-How will I love my daughters if I don’t love I?
-Food, sex, drugs and cigarettes all in an attempt to replace my own abandonemnt with Source?
Have I used another or even another cause,
to make excuses for my own abandonment?
Am I not the only adult here and now, able to take responsibility for myself?
I alone am the abandoner or am I not?
I am my mother, my lover, my friend.
I tap into a potent anger for all that I have trespassed upon myself.
It is the rage of one that realizes she herself is the perpetrator.
It is this that dies me and births me anew.
The fear and the ecstasy are one.
By freeing myself of a sense of abandonment I stop the cycle.
I stop triggering it in another. We become free.
By being present for myself first and foremost, I am able to truly love another.
So much of this shadow gets disguised behind ‘selfless’ love and a healing service to others.
Finally, in writing this, I realize I have lost any need to be right or polite.
Any inhibitions about being exposed or about being right or wrong.
I am writing this as Sophia. For me, myself and I.
Not for another, through another or about another.
I am not channeling, I do not intend to teach.
This is my purge, my transmutation my catharsis.
I put it now on paper to see what it looks like.
To accept and to forgive myself.
To find peace.
To be more of who I already am.
The more I shed my fears,
and my resistance to being a woman in whole,
the emptier a vessel I become to receive the universe through me.
I am a creatress, a manifestress and transmutress of fear into love.
I give birth to all that I am.
I am woman.
This is my power.
This is my love.